Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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