I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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