my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
