Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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