I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
