i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
