Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
