i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize