I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
