don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I FOUND THE LEGS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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