you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
