Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
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