Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
