Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
