I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
