I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
