hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I woke up under a house in Key West
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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