Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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