I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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