i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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