at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
