You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
