You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Randomize
