so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
