so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
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