Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize