Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
