He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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