Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
