it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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