Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Come share oat with me in your robe
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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