Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
i think im in europe. pls send help
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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