what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
