Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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