We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
