I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
