I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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