I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
