I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
