I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
