Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
