I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize