chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
