toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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