too bad you live with your parents still
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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