She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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