So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
