This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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