come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
