I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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