Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize