I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
