If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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