Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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