nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize