so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
