So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
