My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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