Moan for me like Helen Keller
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
