Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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