Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
