I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
